Wife to a Hero, Mommy to a Miracle!

Of all the rights of women, the greatest is being a mother

2010-05-09T22:02:00.000-07:00

“Of all the rights of women, the greatest is to be a mother” - Lyn Yutang

Today is my 2nd mother's day. It wasn't perfect. My husband was in Iraq. My daughter is teething and pretty sure she's getting 5 teeth! but...one tiny person makes it all worth wild.

The most rewarding and the best job in the world is being the mommy of Cadence Danyelle. She is my entire world!

The best moment in my life was the one that made me a mommy. I love you Cadence!

decisions, opinions, confusion!

2010-04-29T09:03:00.000-07:00

This process of having my entire family rely on me while Marcus is gone has really begun to teach me a lot about myself.

I have learned mostly that I do not make decisions well. I searched for over a week to find my daughter some bedding for her toddler room when we get back to Albuquerque. I am still searching for bedding for our room. That's a little thing. It takes me forever to decide what I want to pay first, what I want to eat, what floor plan I wanted to live in, where on base I'd like to live, so many things I just truly can't make a decision about.

My other issue is my opinion. I've learned that if I don't have a strong opinion on something, I am VERY easily presuaded in one way or another. It makes it rather difficult to even get into a discussion on something I'm not 110% dead set in my view on because I just may begin agreeing with the other person. This is something I don't like about myself. I think if I could learn myself more, it would help me decide how I truly feel about certain things.

Another aspect of that entire opinion thing is research. Sometimes, my opinion isnt solid because I don't do enough research on the subject to have a solid knowledge of what I am for or against. Really not a good thing, especially if I get into a discussion with someone who has.

The whole confusion comes in play with the fact that I just don't know what kind of person I am. I don't know if I like a certain style, if im more of an 80's or a 90's gal. I just don't know. I have been wanting to do a new style with my blog, but I don't know where to even start. Do i like brighter colors, prints, buttons, military type things....i just dont know.

What makes you who you are? What makes you decide? What makes you be so sure of your decisions & opinions? only time will teach me I suppose.

My other blog

2010-03-24T21:55:00.001-07:00

I have began a new journey - one very hard for me to discuss. However, If it helps even one person - its worth it! please join me there, if you havent already :)

http://tliammorbidlyobese.blogspot.com/

Florida

2010-03-24T16:15:00.000-07:00

On our way to Florida, we stayed the night in Biloxi. These pictures are of us playing at the park before we headed to Florida to my brothers.

We spent last week in Florida with my brother! It was so much fun hanging out with them. I got to check out some of his base which was pretty cool. Tried some new recipes I was sure I would hate, but actually loved! It was a good visit. Here's some pictures from the visit.

On the way home, we stayed a couple nights at my nannys house. My nanny is my mothers sister. lol I'm from Louisiana and we have a lot of cajun traditions so a lot of times when I say my nanny, people assume my grandma, but nope. It's my aunt.

Anyways, Cadence has quite a bit of firsts this weekend. As she gets older, you start to notice the fact that she is just plan running out of firsts. All the first holidays are gone, first teeth, first solids, etc. Things start to dwendle away pretty quickly. Makes you sad! This weekend she "met" her great grandma & grandpa for the first time.

She also had her VERY FIRST HAIR CUT!!!

This is my nanny taking the first snip!

Cadence smiling at herself in the mirror!

Me catching as much hair as I could!

All the hair we saved!

All done! My beautiful nanny & beautiful daughter!

It was rather bitter sweet without Marcus here, but I know he will be around for many many more haircuts!!!

We had so much fun with our family this past week! but we are also glad to be back at Tashas, we missed them & our Maddi Mooski!!!!

My neice, Alayna

2010-03-22T12:25:00.001-07:00

I just got back from a week vacation in Florida. I stayed with my brother while there & loved it! My brother has a daughter, Alayna.

Alayna is 4 years old. I have probably only seen her maybe 10 times in her young life. With my brother being military, and my husband being military, we are always in two different places. Sometimes I can come home for holidays that he cant, so we miss each other. It's hard knowing that each time Alayna sees us, she will have to relearn us, but the same will be for Cadence.

Alayna has always been smart. I know what you are thinking. Everyone thinks that their kids or neices and nephews are smart, but seriously - Alayna is SMART! She knows more than I imagined a 4 year old could. She definitely has me shocked when we talk.

She seemed to really love Cadence. She would try to play with her, as best as she could. She even tried to teach Cadence how to write, which was rather amusing. She had drawn the letter A & said, "Cadence, draw an A." very calmly. Well, of course my Cadence, only 15 months old, had no idea what she was requesting. So, Alayna asked again, "Cadence, draw an A." After a few more seconds went by of Cadence not cooperating, Alayna yelled "I SAID DRAW AN A CADENCE!" I just laughed and told her that Cadence had no idea what she even meant. And Alayna, smart as a whip, says " I already drew one for her! She just has to copy" lol

Alayna is also VERY beautiful! She has the biggest blue eyes you will ever see! But not, creepy big. lol She is getting so tall. She will pass me up soon im sure.

If there is one thing I could do, I would definitely love to be stationed on the same base as my brother so that I could spend lots and lots of time with this little girl! They grow up entirely too fast.

We love you Alayna Pasquana!

Debt-o-licious

2010-03-16T13:30:00.001-07:00

Ok so, I moved home to be closer to family in case one or both of us got sick, i moved home to be able to see part of my neices' lives, but mostly, i moved home...to pay off some DEBT!

Some is the key word here. Marcus would have to be deployed...for...EVER to pay off all of our debt. But, he volunteered for this deployment so that, in the end, we can be better off than before he left.

For some reason before he left I thought we were going to make a lot more than we actually are. I think I wasnt including the fact that I still have monthly bills to pay. lol

So far, we have completely paid off 1 credit card, 1 loan, and 1 other item. 3 of 8 total debt items, but im only counting 7 because I dont think my vehicle counts. lol I'm talking the useless debt. The debt we sould have never had in the first place and we practically have nothing to show for it, stupid, dumb, young, stupid mistakes kinda debt. Yea, we have 7 of those.

BUT 3 are paid off. 3 of 7. Almost half of total debts - not bad huh? I was really REALLY hoping before the end of this that I'd have 5 of the seven paid off, but it seems like i will only get to 4. 4 is better than 7 right?

At the end of all of this, i swear I will NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, buy useless stuff again. Credit cards are only for emergancy things you dont have enough savings to cover - do you understand? boy, do i...

Pix

2010-03-11T12:56:00.001-08:00

Figured I hdnt posted pix of my Miracle in a while so here she is :)

These pix are from the first time I took Cadence "walking" outside. She had just really gotten the hang of walking, and i figured she would LOVE IT! and she did!

At her first Mardi Gras Parade!!!

One Day at the park!

Diaper head lol

She was sick in this picture, and had been for over a week. She just wanted out the house so she kept pointing out the window!

This one is at the pageant. She looks so grown up to me :( Whered my baby go?

My Neice, Maddi

2010-03-10T06:59:00.000-08:00

Since I am staying with my sister to try and pay off debt, I have also been watching her daughter, Maddi, during the day. Now at first, Cadence & Maddi didnt like it other much. There were a lot of jealous crys, stealing of toys, even a little bit of bullying.

Now, theres still jealous crys, stealing of toys, even a little bit of bullying - but not AS much. For the most part they play together nicely, or apart nicely.

Maddi has the longest NATURAL eyelashes you will EVER see! It's the first thing anyone notices about her. They are BEAUTIFUL! As far as hair goes, we are still working on that one. She kinda looks like Jason Alexander - nothing on top, just some around the back & ears. lol One day she will have long, curly hair. Yes, definitely curly.

She is currently 10 months old. I'll be here until she's around 13 months old. I'm sure gunna miss her! It has been sooo nice to be close to family right now. I don't get to see my neice Alayna much and that makes me super sad but its just part of the military life!

Anyways, I just wanted to say how much I love this little girl & cant wait to watch her grow - even if that means catching her & Cadence trying to sneak out as teenagers, or mad because they like the same boy. Whatever - its worth it!

We love you Maddi Mooski!

Our lives, as of now

2010-03-09T12:17:00.000-08:00

So much has happened since I last posted - I'm not even sure where to start.

My husband is currently deployed in Iraq. He volunteered a while back to try and get us out of debt. Cadence and I are living in Louisiana right now with my lovely sister while he is gone to have that extra rent money to put towards debt. So far 3 things down, 3 to go.

Cadence is 14 months now. She is walking and talking and getting into EVERYTHING! She is indeed the love of our lives!!! She did her very first pageant this past Saturday. Didn't place but she did GREAT! She blew kisses , waved, said hi, everything I could have hoped for! Definitely 1st place in my book!

I have been casually tackling weight loss. My casually I mean, thinking but not doing lol I need to get my butt in gear for sure. I did attempt some things, but all fell through in the end. I have a good friend who has put me in touch with someone who has been here, done that and lost a good bit of weight so my hopes is that she can help me! I need help people lol

Thats it for now - I hear crying through the baby monitor.

SUPERBOWL CHAMPS!!!

2010-02-07T20:00:00.001-08:00

Ok, I suck at blogging lately. Between Christmas vacation, Marcus going to Iraq, & moving to Louisiana - I have basically totally dropped blogging for a while.

However, tonight is a special night and deserves to be posted.

SAINTS WON THE SUPERBOWL!!!! This is a shout out to the WHO DAT NATION!!!!! I had to make sure and mark this in history so that in 25 years, my kids can come back to my blog and see that i was in fact there watching the saints go into history!!!! This one is for you Cadence, and any youngin's to come!!!

WHO DAT BABY!!! GEAUX SAINTS!!!!

Happy First Birthday Princess!

2009-12-27T19:04:00.001-08:00

Happy first birthday Cadence Danyelle. You are truly our miracle and we thank God for you everyday!!! Can't wait to see what the next year has in store for you!!! We love you so much!!!

Should there be more?

2009-10-07T09:40:00.000-07:00

I am just sitting here today, while Cadence naps - and i got to thinking. You see all these people who are doing extraordinary things with their lives, and i began to ask myself. Should there be more?

My general day is pretty much the same. Get up with cc, feed her - play til she naps. Then i pick up the house while she's asleep. rinse repeat until Marcus gets home. Then I cook dinner while he plays with cc and we watch certain tv shows. CC goes down at 8. Thats when we move upstairs and generally watch tv until we fall asleep. boring much?

I want to do something extraordinary with my life. I want to be remembered for something good. So, what should i do? Work at food shelters? Volunteer for different things? Lets face it - we have one car, and its gone from 7 - 430 every day. not to mention, I have to watch my daughter during that time.

So, how do i do it? how do i reach out and help the community in some way? Totally selfless. I have no problem with helping other people to the farthest that i can reach and afford - i just dont know what to do!

I do know that I want to do SOMETHING. Even if I can do it from home. I've even considering starting my own non-profit to help somehow. I want to do something to help this Earth - to help this World - but i'll start off with just this community for now.

Wish me luck and any ideas are welcome!!!

Turning over a new leaf

2009-10-05T10:06:00.000-07:00

So, one thing I have come to realize lately is that you can't decide the people who walk into your life. You can't control at ALL...but what you can control - is who you let stay. Who you left effect you, who you let change you - for the better or the worst.

Today i am letting go of people who don't need to stay. Who should have NEVER been as big of a part as they were.

There are few things that I TRULY can't stand. One of which is cheaters. Any situation of cheating is wrong - but whats worse is when you do it while your husband is fighting for our freedom. That was the FINAL straw for me.

I have recently been blessed with such amazing friends here. Drama free. All of our previous great amazing friends have moved on, away from Kirtland. We miss them sooo much! but we are blessed here.

The last thing I will tolerate is a personal attack on my character. Especially when that attack is on my christianity! How dare someone assume that they can even understand it when they dont believe in God? I will continue to pray for that family though. At the very least, for the kids involved.

So, as a closer on such a strange blog - NEVER let someone stay in your life who is toxic! It will either bring you down, or you will eventually have to walk away - or both.

basically...Obama seen me naked

2009-09-14T16:40:00.000-07:00

Ok, so, this post is all about my appointment at the doctor this morning. It was supposed to be one of those regular dr appointments...routine physical. 20 minutes tops and im good...fuck was i wrong.

So, i get there, right on time. 10 minutes early even. Got called back right away. Wow, i thought it was gunna b GREAT. Nurse was mega nice. CC was fussy cuz it was her naptime but i mean, whats a mom to do when dad works? Get on the scale, and there it is...the same number that was there when i was 9 freaking months PREGNANT! ugh, theres the beginning of the crapola to come. BP 134/80. not bad. could the weight b all?

I told the nurse that i'd also like to get some blood work done. Test thyroids, for diabetes, etc. just to make sure nothing is prohibiting the ass kicking im about to give myself to lose this fat suit. She tells me that the med group does paps now so i dont even have to make an appointment to go to Women's Health. It's at this moment im glad i took that shower right before i left to go to the dr. jic of course. She shows me a rob and a blanket, both made of paper, and tells me to put the rob on, open to the front and then cover myself with the other sheet of paper. awesome. She leaves a note for dr in system and says dr will b here soon.

I stripped down naked, and as soon as i looked up...theres Obama's face on the cover of a magazine...so basically, Obama has seen me naked. and this was just the beginning of the shittiness...

This lady walks in and shes tiny...theres nothing a fat person hates more than talking to a skinny ass person ABOUT being fat. ugh. So I asked her if our insurance would pay for me to see a nutritionist. She says sure, and that theres one on base so I dont even have to go far! sweet! she checked arms, legs, etc. all the usual. she seen my neck, which always looks dirty but i swear its like a birthmark or something cuz it doesnt wash off, and says, have you ever heard of (insert medical word that sounds insane and spelt even differently but basically means you neck looks dirty) i said no right, cuz i dont even know what language that was you were speaking just now...she says well its a sign of diabetes, you really should lose some weight and check it. NO SHIT LADY I JUST ASKED FOR THAT WHEN I WALKED IN THIS DAMN ROOM!!! As she proceeds to lay me down to do the breast exam i had no idea was coming, cc had had enough of this shit. she started screaming. dr says i can get a nurse to help if u want. i was like sure, sounds like a plan. what she left out was that she was taking my daughter away, out of the room, so that a nurse could basically, babysit her? now remember pl, i am laying here, im a paper gown, under a sheet of freaking paper - was i supposed to run out into the hall, butt ass naked and tell the crazy lady i didnt want my child to run away. she came back and said cc was laughing and stuff, so i decided it was ok since this is only gunna b another 5 mins right?

she proceeds to the other breast and asks if i breastfeed cc. awesome. i said of course, no sry dried up. wanted to though. she looked at me with disappoint. she couldnt have been more disappointed in me, than i already was. then she says last but not least, we'll finish up with the pap. as if its like the cherry on top.

it took this woman 20 minutes to decide she just couldnt find my cervix. then she says, "well see, with all your fluff (as if i am 5 years old and cant accept or comprehend the word fat) sometimes it can flatten your cervix. im going to have to go to women's health and get some1 from over there to come and help." as she walks out of the room, my embarassment level goes from 10 - 12345687643. they both come back, next lady takes 4.5 seconds to find and swab the cervix. damn, that was hard eh? she leaves after commenting on how beautiful my daughter is. the daughter thats not in the room, which means cc must have been making rounds out there with who knows?

anyways, she goes over to her computer, and heres the part that REALLY put the cherry on top... she says, "well i put the referral in and id like you to stop by there today and try to make the appointment. Now, a normal person can go every other week, but you should go at least once a week so that you can be accountable for your actions" all while she's looking at me with discust in her eyes like i was the scum of the earth.

Let me clearify one thing ok? I DO NOT EAT 4 LARGE PIZZAS FOR DINNER WITH A SIDE OF 2 GALLONS OF ICE CREAM AND CHERRYS ON TOP. Half the time i forget to eat breakfast AND lunch...so there stupid skinny ass doctor who has never once in your life worried about your weight or how people look at you - because IF YOU EVER EVEN ONCE DID, you would have NEVER EVER LOOKED AT ME LIKE THAT!!!!

ugh, people who feel this way when they leave a doctors office usually hear that they have some sort of disease...me? im just fat...and this lady decided it needed to b thrown in my face. ugh...screw this day

pooooooooooooooooo

Basically...its been forever

2009-08-28T09:47:00.000-07:00

dude, i suck. not literally but seriously... i suck. lol i havent posted in like idk years it seems. i love to write but i hate to...login? what idk lol so heres the 411 over the last years of life

Cadence is offically 8 months old. As of yesterday. 3 teeth, crawls *if thats what u want to call it* backwards, sits up like a little lady. The sad thing is that im pretty sure shes over the crossing her feet thing which totally bums me the f out because dude it was "her" thing right? dang them learning new things. She eats 2 - 4oz jars of baby food a day and 4 bottles. Sleeps about 12 hours a night. Generally, at 7am when Marcus leaves for work, he brings her in bed with me and we snuggle for a couple more hours. It's nice. Snuggling = more sleep :-D Who doesnt love more sleep? i see no 1 raised their hands... I find myself staring into her B E A UTIFUL face thinking... where in the world did my baby go?! The little tiny girl that used to just lay there and smile at mommy has become a tempered little diva - learning things when she wants to and doesnt really care if mom is worried or not. Currently, she is on her stomache, on the floor, attempting to get something from under the couch. My little baby would have never lasted this long on her stomache in the first place. lol

Marcus and I have been married offically 4 years. Yesterday. woot. we just did dinner at Pelicans. It's a nice place and was yummy. Was going to do movie but for some reason we cant stand the thought of screwing cc's schedule all to hell...so we didnt even have one total date night. I'm...surviving. lol

Marcus and I have had some crazy strange issues that no normal marriage should go through. *dont ask cuz if u dont know, u wont know* Things you don't prepare yourself for in "marriage 101" it was like a total wtf moment but yea, we move on.

So, Marcus signed up to go to Iraq in January. There are pros and cons - the biggest reason *which he totally wont admit to* is money. We have a hecka lotta debt so this will help us in paying most of it off. I'm ok with it now...ask me in December how I feel. Nothings offical yet but he said more than likely, he's going.

Ok so thats an update. I have a crazy bad headache so ima eat and take some meds. I promise promise to write once a day...okk ok so maybe once a week. promise lol ttyl

Sleep Training a 6 month old

2009-07-04T07:57:00.001-07:00

Well ladies, I must admit - I expected to post a couple of these before I went to bed last night. I was sure I would need the extra motivation - but I must say, my little sleep trainer fooled us all! I read the book, I called my bro for tips because he has done this before, talked to friends, family, etc. We all expected one very long night. The minimum was 2 hours of screaming before she finally gave up. So, at 9:45, i brought her in her room. We put on a fresh diaper, a onsie and a sleep sack. We read a book and said our prayers. Then, I laid her down and said, "Goodnight Cadence. I love you" and went on my way. I stood at the door for a couple of minutes before I heard the screams from the other side. 5 minute wait begins. at 10:07, i checked on her. Laying in the middle of her crib, screaming away. I did exactly what they tell you to do. Showed neither anger nor concern. Simply made eye contact, and said, with as straight of a face a brokenhearted mommy could have, "Cadence, go to sleep" and walked right back out. Then begins the 20 min wait. It's truly amazing how long 20 mins can be. This is were the doubts start to sit in. Can she do this? Is she ok up there? Is she hurt? Will she sleep without her paci? Bad mom tessa you are a bad mom for letting her scream this way!!!! At exactly minute 20, I started my journey upstairs...when over the baby monitor i hear.....nothing. No whimpers, no moans...silence. At this point, even dh is wondering if she is just choking or something....Mind you, there is nothing in the crib but a baby and a sheet on the mattress. The bumper is weeved in and out of the posts so there is just no way she could have pulled it onto her face...but choking on spit, throw up, anything that could have entered her mouth in the past 20 mins. Here comes a mommy and daddy delima. The book CLEARLY states, that at the end of a 20 min period, if the crying has stoped, not to go in there. Shes falling asleep on her own. It's what you want - if you interupt this process now, there could be more crying. But its only been 25 mins....not even close to the 2 hrs we expect....so i give in. I'll b the worlds worst mom if I don't check on her and soemthing IS wrong. As I walk into the room, I see cc is def not where I left her. She had pushed herself, still on her back, all the way against the crib. Her head was against the only exposed post on that end of her crib...and then the FTM worries kick in - did she hit her soft spot? Is she going to be ok? We had just suffered thru 25 mins of pure agony - I don't want to wake her and make it all have happened for nothing. I slide her down into the middle of the crib, and she barely even reacted. When dh and I went to bed, we opened her bedroom door and ours. Monitors on, and waited to see if she would cry for us in the middle of the night because no ones there to rock her, because she has no paci, because her brain is going to swell out of her skull because she rammed her head against the posts!!! I did check on her at 4 am, and she was still right where I left her and totally asleep. Then, at 8 am, we woke up, totally refreshed and wondering...why didnt she cry? did we really in fact hurt her tiny little head? As soon as I mumbled - "Go check the baby, she hasnt woke yet" - cc make a bit of a cry over the monitor. Our precious angel had offically put herself to sleep, and stayed asleep for 9 and a half hours. She woke up full of smiles to see us and is sooo happy right now.

Day 7 of infant flu 5/6/09

2009-05-07T14:48:00.000-07:00

Today, CC had her 4 month check up. Glad we scheduled it for today, so that she can get checked out for this flu. She didnt have a temp when we went so thats good. 12lb 13.65oz and 23.5 in long. Dr says even though shes sick, she can get her shots. So we did that. 5 shots in all because the usual combo shot, they were out of. So she had to get each vaccine seperately. that was just great. She didnt cry as much after these, so thats good. She slept most of the day, and when she wasnt sleeping, she wasnt happy. She ate dinner and went to bed early tonight...lets hope tomorrow is better.

Day 6 of infant flu 5/5/09

2009-05-07T14:24:00.000-07:00

Well, her fever doesnt happen at night...seems strange to me. I know because I got up every 3 hrs last night and checked. At least I will get a full nights sleep tonight. Maybe Although she is fussy, that's ok. We will do what we need to do in order for her to feel better.

Day 5 of infant flu 5/4/09

2009-05-04T21:54:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I asked if the seemingly betterness of cc was her actually getting better - or the calm before the storm...and now i know...it was the calm.

Today cc started her fever. This am i took her temp, 97.9 . Thought we were going to get lucky. Fed her breakfast, played, but the fussiness presisted. So, i thought, ok fine, i'll do the temp again. Sure enough, 99.6 . I braced myself for the worst. Found the tylenol bottle immediately - and then thought....how much?! The bottle only lists for 24lbs or up - and cc hasnt taken tylenol since 2m - so obviously her little body could handle a bit more - so the dr i call. Nurse says .08 for 12ish lbs. asked a few more obviously first time mom questions before getting off the phone. Then i remembered a question i forgot to ask. o well right?

So, off and on all day, back and forth - 99.6 highest so far - 98.0 being the lowest during the tylenol dose. We are continuing that...praying the storm will pass soon.

Day 4 of infant flu 5/3/09

2009-05-04T21:52:00.000-07:00

Today was interesting. At first I thought all was totally wonderful...then out of no where the fussing was NONSTOP for almost 2 hrs until she finally knocked out. Her temp was low, 96.1 and no one tells u what to do with a low temp. So i called the 24 hr nurse advice line - 30 mins later no one had answered, and i had worked myself up so much - i called the on call dr. She was very nice, tho obviously just waking up - said to keep her bundled with the hat on her head, and just take her temp again in the am. Hopefully tomorrow will b a better day...right?

Day 3 of infant flu 5/2/09

2009-05-03T11:11:00.000-07:00

Well, believe it or not - today was better...the morning was full of snot and yucky - but then, the evening - nothing...no snot, no boogers...no cough. pretty interesting. Still sleeping with the cold humidifier, upright in her swing. She even talked to us today. That hasnt happened much lately. She just doesnt feel good enough to entertain us with those coo's and tiny chuckles. But she did...then off to dreamland she went after watching tv. Pictures will follow. It was adorably halarious as she just laid there on the bed, staring at the HGTV's rate my space...she may be a designer one day. Who knows.

So my question is...is she better? or is this the calm before the storm? stay tuned...

Day 2 of infant flu 5/1/09

2009-05-02T13:04:00.000-07:00

Called pedi as soon as I woke up. No appointments - of course. I am a first time mom, who just so happens to also have extreme anxiety and worry issues - and yet- u want to tell me that u wont see my daughter?! her first flu...her first runny nose...her first cough - and u wont see her? even to tell me that things will be ok?!

Nurse says humidifier, saline drops in the nose, suction out the snot - but no more than 4x a day. Tylenol or Motrin if theres a fever...thats it? No miracle drug to make this better? No, she'll be fine. No, I'll take it all away in five minutes and make this better?

Then of course, the question..."do you breastfeed?" each time i hear this, its like someone stabs my heart....did i try? OF COURSE...did i want to more than anything else? DUH could i? no...y? sure, it was probably partially me. I could have, should have done more research. Taken a class...something. I should have been more prepared. I should have known better - i should have done it. I should b nurturing my daughters tiny little body with the stuff God intended for her...but the answer is no. ok? everyone out there, the freaking answer is NO! No, i am a failure at what I should have been able to do by my God given right - NO - i cant give my child the antibodies that she needs to NOT get sick...no no no no no....

She did ok. She ate every meal. Not as much as usual, but who can blame her? Def a little more fussy, def not as easily pleased - but all in all, she's still smiling, still playing with her toys, still trying to become hannibal and eat those fingers...still my little girl right?

Day 1 of infant flu 4/30/09

2009-05-02T13:02:00.000-07:00

Thursday wasn't horrible. It was in fact the beginning of the inevitable. A tiny cough and sneeze. The paleness in her sweet, soft skin was enough of an indication to me that a pediatrician call would def be in order early Friday morning. Someone, anyone out there, fix her. Fix what her mommy did to her. Make her better. Healthy. My baby again. anyone?

Surviving Sickness @ 4 months 101

2009-05-02T12:39:00.000-07:00

Well ladies & gentlemen, ok who am i kidding, ladies, lol, we knew it was bound to happen right? The inevitable cold/flu during the first year of life. What we didnt expect was that it would come on the sleeve of this huge swine flu pandemic. Guess Cadence will be just like her mother, if you're guna do it, do it big right?

I have been battling this since Monday. Started off as a bad decision sore throat I assumed was brought on from my sleeping next to an open window all night. What can i say? i was sweating & marcus was cold. u do what u gotta do. Then within 48 hours it turned into a full blown flu. Totally diasterous to a new babies immune system & terrifying with Swine Flu fresh in the news. My first instinct was to lock myself away from all human contact until i was 110% healthy...but cc, who will watch cc? This is when that 1000+ miles from family truly sinks in, and totally blows. Of course my mom would rush to help - but it appears that I am not the only one in need of a mother's love. in the battle of the sniffles vs a brand spanking new, totally adorable might I add, granddaughter + a new c section hurting, breastfeeding, totally sleep deprived mom - duh, of course she wins, hands down. I wouldn't even think of asking. & so, here i am, running fever, barely mentally here, yet marcus has to work. no choice in that. I tried to get the dr to get him out of work so that I could quarintine myself from them, but of course, thats just not an option.

So, what does a desprite for sleep, totally full blown sick, fever suffering mommy do in this time? daycare. Yes, i broke down, cried my eyes out, and dropped her off at the daycare on base. Had i ever been there before? no. Had i stayed a while to make sure that i agreed with their standards? no. Is that horrible? i think so. But what was i going to do? Hang out long enough to infect all these other tiny littles lives? They said call whenever, at any time, and I could get an update. Did i? no. I feel like a horrible mom now, but the rest I got, i needed. I needed Cadence to be somewhere germ free. I needed her to be away from me - not because i dont want her, but because i love her too much to be the reason she gets sick....but, despite my horrible effort - she indeed got sick.

No fever yet - we are still crossing our fingers on this one, but a stuffy stuffy runny nose, cough - and the occasional sneeze. Do i think i am a horrible mommy for letting this happen? yes. Could i have done any more than I did to try and protect her from this? no. i dont think so. So I decided to at least document the days...one by one. Until my little lady is fully totally healthy again.

Surviving TDY

2009-04-19T09:15:00.000-07:00

Well, Marcus has been gone since 3AM Friday morning. It really feels like he's been gone since Thursday because he slept all of Thursday away! Since he's been gone, i think we may have talked like seriously 15 mins tops! He is having so much fun though, so whatever. I just need a break! lol Don't get me wrong, CC is a GREAT baby! I mean seriously, GREAT! Fusses when hungry - and thats it. Not even when shes dirty! its just...constantly a baby there for 4 days straight...sometimes u just need a big ole break!

So anyways, in other news, CC will be 4 months old on the 27th. Still doesnt roll, only grabed at toys once....i know i know, you are all thinking - all babies develop diffrent....but i dont want mine to b the one thats behind the rest of them! lol

We go home in about a month. I bought CC some way cute clothes to wear at home. I feel like i should b packing already lol There's so much stuff i need to do! Ok...thats enough for this post lol

Praise Reports:
CC is almost 4 months!!!
Marcus made it to Corpus Christi safely
Phe's mom is finally getting the care she needs
Great friends

Prayer Requests:
Phe's mom is better soon
Safe Travels from Corpus Christi and on our vacation
Baby Madelyn and Brady safely delivered
Marcus gets staff
Four month shots go well

apparently, i wasnt the only one...

2009-04-13T23:32:00.000-07:00

once dh finally woke up from his nap and i was in my usual pissy mood from him sleeping so long, me starving cuz cc has been extra fussy lately so i cant put her down long enough for one darn bite of food...he confessed.

he said he feels like a horrible husband and dad because he just wants one day when we can just lay together and not have to worry about cc being there...basically he wants one day of just us again. of course he feels horrible for even saying it but i can totally understand what he is saying. i mean how many of u out there have someone...anyone that can watch your kiddos for even 3 hours? yea we have no one. no one we trust that we can just drop the kid off with for a while. the lady watching cc for the concert lives over an hr away. shes even crashing at our house that night because it will be so late when we get home. who knows...maybe after the concert we will jsut go parking somewhere.

im pretty sure we would just sleep if we had that chance. if we had no interuptions, no worrying about cc....just us two again - yea we would sleep...for a week. i need to make a to do list of things to do before marcus leaves for tdy this weekend. we have/well i suppose I have so much to do since dh will b sleeping...gosh this sucks sometimes.

oh my...when will we have a normal convrsation again?

2009-04-13T16:51:00.000-07:00

as i sit here listening to CC talk to her feet and Marcus snoring...theres a few things very heavy on my heart. One of which I can not write here, or really anywhere that I post online so that I dont hurt anyones feelings....the other is this.

CC is almost 4 months old. She is getting so big and so animated lately. I love her so much.

What i dont love though is the fact that I'm pretty sure me and Marcus dont "talk" anymore. Don't get me wrong its not like we are walking around here in a silent house - its just what we talk about is always something to do with CC or what i like to call "buisness". What'd you do at work, did you put in for leave, i need to go and get this and that, what do you want me to cook for dinner, etc. There's no real....whats the word....caring? It's not how was your day, i missed you, etc.

Here is a basic day in the Fautherree residence:

8 -9AM - Marcus gets home from work and showers.
9AM - 12PM - Marcus grabs CC, feeds her, eats breakfast, and keeps her so I can get a few hours of uninterupted sleep.
11AM -12PM - at some point i wake up and either go downstairs, or wait for him to come up to bed.
12PM - i get up, brush my teeth, and grab the baby. Kiss marcus and go downstairs.
12PM - 7PM - nothing but me and CC. Marcus sleeps, we usually eat, sleep, watch tv, internet, etc. cook dinner, clean....
7PM - 9PM MWF/7PM - 10PM T/Thurs - Marcus gets up at some point in those 2 hrs, eats dinner, and turns on the tv to whatever show we dvr'd or watch that day.
9PM/10PM-11PM - Marcus gets ready for work and leaves

thats it... ssdd. theres no romance, no connection between anything but Marcus and the TV. I am getting pretty tired of this routine. It sucks. Yes, occasionally we "met in bed" for that usual once in a while dtd - but otherwise, thats it. no real conversation. The only time we have that connection is on the weekends. That breif moment between feeding cc and coming downstairs - we talk about useless matters. Still not loving or caring things...just whatever comes to mind. Usually, u wanna feed her or u want me to? wheres the diapers? etc.

Someone out there in internet land tell me how to make this horrible routine stop before our relationship truly suffers...im so tired of not having the loving and caring moments...and sooner or later, this will effect us in greater ways then we are concerned about now - and i dont want it to....<3

Praise Reports:
GREAT Easter
CC's belly button isnt serious
Got a babysitter for the concert :-D
IUD was removed safe and quickly
Good friend's baby is still sticking :-)

Prayer requests:
Marcus gets staff
Safe travels
Baby M & B gets here safely
Four month shots go better then 2 month shots
Something good for Betsy and Chris

Gotta Love Sundays

2009-04-05T14:55:00.000-07:00

Our week is pretty crazy around here. With Marcus working nights, appointments, dinner, tv shows, etc. its pretty much organized chaos. Saturday night is the out night. Weither its bowling or party or bbq, theres always something to do to get out of the house. But Sundays...bboy do I love Sundays!

Sundays are our lazy days. Get out of bed around noonish or later. i know what you're all thinking...NOON?! With a baby?! yup. she just cuddles with us. We are awake for a while before we pull ourselves from the sheets for brunch. Since Marcus and I were married, weekend mornings were our cuddling time! We would just lay in each others arms talking about nothing important or not even talk at all and just stare at the beautiful sunshine God had blessed us with coming in thru the window. or clouds, raindrops...whatever flavor of weather God thought was appropriate for the day. We just lay there cuddling, being so glad for all of our blessing.

Then we get up, and basically veg out wherever we feel the need. Eat whatever we are in the mood for, and just hang out. Yes, occasionally theres cleaning to be done, or errands to run - but usually, we are just homebodies. Pj wearing, bad haired, and even occasionally bad breathed...lazy lazy Sundays.

And today, is an equally lazy Sunday. Marcus had some of his friends over last night, drinking and playing video games. I stayed up laughing with them until about 4am. Then decided Cadence would need at least one parent today so I went off to bed and left them to their drinks and Bourne Ultimatum - can i just say yummmmmmmy! Jason Bourne <3

I woke up at 1:30pm and wondered why Marcus wasnt in the bed with me...and why I hadnt heard Cadence cry at all! Come down the stairs to see Marcus holding Cadence - both totally asleep. Totally brings tears to your eyes to see something so innocent....so sweet. I came down and gave him a little kiss and he woke up. Took the baby and said go back to sleep hon. Put her in her swing, and they both slept. I just sat here...surfing the internet, watching the loves of my life as they slept.

Now its 4:30, Marcus still snoring off last night, and me and Cadence are just hanging out. I love seeing that gummy smile I must say. She's just sitting here talking.

I must say you should all be very very say that you dont have this little girl in your life every single day. You're missing out and I feel sorry for u :-)

whats been going on over n the big ABQ

2009-04-03T15:37:00.000-07:00

alright well its been a good minute since i wrote an update. here goes. Cadence is now 3 months old. How insane is that?! She's talking like crazy and SO loud. She's trying to laugh. you can tell cuz she opens her mouth real wide and then coughs lol its so cute. she'll get it soon im sure.

Although some may disagree, i believe she is teething. I'm not saying there is one popping right out this very moment, however there are so big signs. Chewing her fingers constantly, drooling soooo much i go thru at least 5 onsies a day - WITH bibs. extra fussy for no apparent reason. No fever yet, and as i said, nothing about to pop out. Just the beginning of something i will go thru many times before her little mouth is no longer gummy. Honestly, im sad about it. super sad. I love that gummy little smile. i dont want anything messing it up. Her dad keeps telling her how much she doesnt want to deal with teeth since his recent root canal. he's like, just dont grow them. Ive seen people eat apples without teeth..u'll be fine. lol

Marcus tests for staff May 14th. Prayers please! He/we need this raise. Not necessarily NEED it as much the raise will be a huge help! Otherwise, he is doing great. He goes TDY to some place in Texas from the 17th to the 20th - 4 whole days of baby duty - ALONE. this should b pretty interesting eh? we'll see. im really nervous about it. not like i cant do it, im with her 24/7. but its the fact that if i get stressed out - there is no one to help. not 1 person. and so...im freaking out. guess i may end up using that just walk away method. we'll see how it goes.

I am doing good. We discovered the iud is falling out, and so I go on Monday to get it removed. I am just going to get on the pill because i dont want to go thru this 100 times before they get it right.

So, we are driving home next month for Eric's graduation - Marcus's brother. We will leave here either the 14th night or the 15th day. We will stay one night in Wichita Falls, as usual, and then drive home. So we will be in vinton on the 16th basically. He graduates the 18th. Then we will spend 2 weeks home before going to visit a couple friends in Fort Polk (and hopefully and new baby Brady :-) , and then driving to Little Rock to visit with a couple friends there for about 3 or 4 days. Then come home around June 5th. Right before Marcus birthday. :-) I cant wait to go home. I just have NO IDEA what to pack for Cadence lol

I wanna go to Florida while we are home, but i dont know if that will happen. Plus my sister will have a new newborn lol still have that new car smell and everything. so we dont want to be a burden. Between dealing with her new baby, and then us being there with a 4 1/2 month old, it may be a little overwhelming for them. We'll see what happens.

Ok so that's a pretty long update. Guess I'll leave the rest for later.

Praise Reports -
IUD is not floating around inside of me
Cadence is growing happy and healthy
Marcus is finally better from his teeth
My family :-)
Vacation
New Neice & 'Nephew' Soon!
Every Morning :-)

Prayer Requests -
I find a babysitter for the concert
Safe travels
IUD removal easy and quick
God's will be done with the possibility Baby F #2
Four month shots go better then 2 month shots did
Marcus gets Staff!
Something good for Betsy & Chris
Baby Madelyn & Brady's safe arrival
Good Friend's baby STICKS!

Thats it for now....ttyl

I love being married!

2009-03-16T14:10:00.000-07:00

Man, im sitting here with my poor sick Marcus and our lovely little lady and all i can think is just how much i love my husband!!! Seriously, he may not be perfect, and he may not get everything that i try to get through to him, but dude, he is the best! He takes care of us. He loves our daughter and taking care of her. He loves me and takes care of me. He doesn't mind cooking dinner. He doesn't mind cleaning the house. he doesnt give me crap if i had a bad day and didnt do anything! hes just amazing!! im very lucky to be the one that got him! and all of you, every single one, shuld b jealous :-)

Lets see the little lady shall we!

2009-02-27T04:10:00.000-08:00

Here's a few pix of my little lady. Thought i'd share :-)

Here's one of my little lady sleeping

This one is of daddy feeding her while they both watch tv. No we dont have pillow cases on our pillows haha - they are being washed

ok more to come ttyl

Operation Sleeping at night...

2009-02-27T03:34:00.000-08:00

Yes, one of the things my lovely little cc has picked up on is her Daddy's schedule! It's driving me insane not to see the sunshine! She sleeps all day til about 7pm then shes up, eats, up for a couple hrs. takes an hr nap and up all night! I am posting this at 4:34AM!!! lol So, i decided that this is just not tolerable - haha - so as of today & tom (hopefully it can be fixed in a couple of days) we are preforming operation sleep at night! She sleeps 6 hrs spanes, so i have a STTN'er (sleep thru the nighter) who just so happens to be sleeping thru the day haha Hopefully I can get her into this schedule pretty easily. The only thing that may hinder this is the fact that shes getting her shots today! and they usually make them pretty tired! i just hope she has no bad reactions and who knows, maybe she'll b just a perfect little lady after. we are also bringing the dogs to the vet this morning to get their shots and get microchips. we have to thanks to good ole housing. barf! ill b super glad to leave this place, if we ever leave this place! Well, my sisters shower is next weekend and im super sad i cant b there. i wanna c her belly again! and im sure pl would love to see Cadence. too bad dude. and it pretty much sucks actually. At least we will be there in May to see the baby. I guess that's the better choice! I don't guess, I know. I'm just gunna b even more depressed once I realize how much smaller then my baby she will be. Well, unless shes a 10 pounder like her daddy. haha but seriously, my little cc is not the same baby i brought hoem from the hospital and im pretty darn sad about it! dont get me wrong, i love all the things she does now like talking and fallowing u when u walk aross the room with her eyes. she chews her hands and drools like a crazy woman! she smiles at us all the time now and its prettty exciting! shes definately a happy baby...i wouldnt trade her for the world! anyways, this has become a huge ramble eh? ok well, ill keep u posted! Say a little prayer my baby girl feels ok after her shots. shes gunna hate us for it! ttyl

whooooooaaaa little rock...lol

2009-02-22T22:44:00.001-08:00

Well, its been a while so i figured i should update on everything going on right now. Cadence is almost 2 months old. She talks and now she rolls from her tummy to her back. The dr says shes doing everything ahead of schedule - which kinda makes me sad! lol i mean, dont get me wrong, i dont wanna b behind schedule...but i dont want her to keep growing either!! lol dont tell her, but she gets her shots this week. on weds i believe! and then, as long as all goes well, shes getting her ears peirced this weekend! whoa, time flies!

Marcus and I are absolutely wonderful! We have our moments, but all together, we have been doing great. Communication is key. sometimes we comunicate a little too well. lol Him working nights still sucks to me, but he likes the schedule, so who am i to complain?!

For about a year now I have been telling him that we need to find antoher base to live. I am just sick of this place. I don't want to raise my kids here. It's too dangerous. It's away from home. It's just not a nice place to be. So, i think I have finally talked him into trying to get orders to Little Rock. there's a couple of steps he can take, and he has done the first one already. After the next one, we just wait and pray! Little rock is only 7 hours from home. We can hunt and fish. It's only a couple hours from Tennessee so we can vacation! We will be able to enjoy life without worrying about getting shot or looking at someone the wrong way. I hate it here. Hate it! so much. So, pray that it is the Lord's will for us to get this!!!

Otherwise, here we are. 2 months after my tiny little 5lb miracle baby was born. and here she is. Growing up too fast! My friends son is 10m and that just seems so odd to me! I remember her having miles and while in the hospital, i told her i was pregnant! and now here we are. Babies in hand. Totally different. They grow up too fast, and im scared if i dont pay attention to the little things, i'll forget all these moments!!!!

Well, thats good for now. Hey, Marcus gets a raise next month! WOOT WOOT to that!! lol ok well, ttyl guys!

of freaking course...

2009-02-12T00:10:00.000-08:00

ok so i took my friend phe's advice and kept cc up as much as i could between 7 & 11 tonight to try and get her days and nights in order...assuming thats whats been wrong with her. well, she fell asleep for about 20 mins in between that time. she was so darn tired!!! we did all we could...she wouldnt budge lol. but i bathed her, and fed her. and she went back to sleep at about 10:45. so its 1:15 right now and shes still sleeping. due for a bottle at 2. and wouldnt u know that because of the last couple of nights, MOMMY CANT SLEEP!!! how do u fix mommy's days and nights mixed up u ask? lack of sleep tomorrow. woot. i slept til almost 3pm today, off and on of course due to feedings & dh coming home with breakfast. hes been such a great husband lately. and i love him so much. i can honestly say that our relationship hasnt suffered at all since the baby. if anything, its gotten better. and let me just say...so has the sex! whoa...if u only knew how good...ud b jealous! lol anyways...maybe mommy will b able to sleep after her feeding. im def not waking her up for it. shes been sleeping almost 5 hrs between feedings so MAYBE ill b up for a couple more hrs...blah i dont wanna try and fall asleep now cuz i mean 20 min nap will just b enough to piss me off! lol hopefully doing this keeping her up stuff for a couple of nights will get her straight & we can go back to the way things were. prayers pls! ttyl

talk about a freaking ocean of tears!!!

2009-02-11T01:08:00.000-08:00

He didnt have to wake up
He'd been up all nite
Lay'n there in bed listen'n
To his new born baby cry
He makes a pot of coffee
He splashes water on his face
His wife gives him a kiss and says
It gonna be OK

It wont be like this for long
One day soon we'll look back laugh'n
At the week we brought her home
This phase is gonna fly by
So baby just hold on
It wont be like this for long

Four years later bout four thirty
She's crawling in there bed
And when he drops her off at preschool
She's clinging to his leg
The teacher peels her off of him
He says what can I do
She says now dont you worry
This will only last a week or two

It wont be like this for long
One day soon we'll drop her off
And she wont even know your gone
This phase is gonna fly by
If you can just hold on
It wont be like this for long
One day soon she'll be a teenager
And at times you'll think she hates him
Then he'll walk her down the isle
And he'll raise her vale

But right now she up and cry'n
And the truth is that he dont mind
As he kisses her good night
And she says her prayers
He lays down there beside her
Till her eyes are finally closed
And just watch'n her it breaks his heart
Cause he already knows

It wont be like this for long
One day soon that little girl is gonna be
All grown up and gone
Yeah this phase is gonna fly by
He's try'n to hold on
It wont be like this for long
It wont be like this for long

whoa..she got me thinking...

2009-02-10T23:38:00.000-08:00

ok so a couple weeks ago i got back in touch with a really good friend of mine. we lost touch a good minute ago - id say probably o geez at least 5 years. anyways, we got to talking about some of her hopes in life...(dont wanna b spreading her buisness or anything...) but anyways, in a part of the conversation, miss cc came up in the convo and she said something that kinda got me thinking...see i talk about cc so much & from what i got out of the conversation, it seemed as though she felt that i had lost myself in the process of becoming a mom.

that made me think a lot. i mean, the person i was, and the person i am now are def different pl but that has to b part of the territory of becoming a new mom. however, i dont wanna lose who i am because i am trying to b a great mom. so, lets figure out just who i am.

lol...the first thing that came to mind is mom. im a mom.

furthormore, im a wife. lover, a good one if i can toot my own horn lol, a worrier, a cook, a house keeper, a pacifier getter, a blogger...but all of these things are things i DO, not who i am...lets try this again

im very passionate, caring, jealous, not so patient, very emotional, easy-going, easily presuade, dont stand up for myself enough, peace keeper, ...and right now i have to b a diaper changer...ill finish this later

gunna b another long night i guess...

2009-02-10T22:25:00.000-08:00

blah. last night cc was awake almost the entire night! i got an whoping 1 hr of sleep before i had to get up and start getting everything ready for her appt this am. shes got a cold. a little one. so little i didnt even know lol but shes got one. so maybe thats whats been making her a crazy lady at night! my mom always said sickness got worse at night...so maybe she just feels worse at night.

it snowd today. blah. cc's first snow. she didnt care much though. lol

shes laying right here next to me right now...its 11:30pm & shes laying on a pillow just talking away right now...its funny! i love it soo much! i gotta put some socks on her feet. i just changed her clothes and then laid her down to write this. but shes got cold little toes, which isnt going to help her little body get better! maybe i'll do a hat too! blah. if its a long night...ill bbl. if not, then ill post another tomorrow. just wanted to drop a little update! ttyl

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2009-02-09T13:15:00.001-08:00

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can u say...tired?!

2009-02-09T11:35:00.000-08:00

man, last night was a wild one! at first i thought it was going to b a great night...boy was i mistaken.

at about 9pm, she was totally asleep. i jumped in the shower and marcus was just cuddling with her n the bed watching old CSI episodes until I got out. We laid her in her cosleeper, and thats when the fun began. She started crying, and we tried feeding her, but she would only take about an ounce. We swaddled her and put her down...she screamed and screamed...i picked her up and rocked her. never stoped screaming. i thought, ok, gas probably. so i burped her and burped her...she never burped and just kept a screaming. so i got marcus to get her bouncer. that worked fora bout 4.5 seconds. then we got the swing. again....maybe 30 min nap and then screaming again! if i picked her up and cuddled real tight, she'd fall right to sleep...but as soon as i laid her down, weither she was snoring in my arms or not...the screaming started again. so, at 1:30, i decided a bath was the only thing that may help at this point. so i gave her a very warm bath...which she screamed through. i put on her nighttime lotion...warm nightgown...cute little socks...and swaddled her up...finally snoring...finallly asleep at about 2. then, up again at 3 to eat! blah...i was truly exhausted!!! then she fell right to sleep after her bottle...and slept until about 7.

it was the hardest night by far we have had since she was born, but we made it through! and although marcus is going to come home exhausted from work, and we will all be in bed early tonight...we made it. this time. ttyl

You know you're a mommy when...

2009-02-08T21:52:00.000-08:00

well, i've been thinking a lot about how life has totally changed since having Cadence and i decided to write this little thing to make other moms laugh...and moms to be know what they are getting into! lol here goes...

You know you're a mommy when...

*you understand what it's like to be up at 2am NOT drunk or partying

*you know what true love truly is

*you can walk around with spit up on your shoulder, and not even notice the smell or the wetness until that night when you take it off to shower

*you hear your baby whimper and it wakes u up when before, u could sleep through a tornado

*you & your husband truly understand the meaning of a "quickie"

*you get more excited about seeing your childs face then your favorite tv shows

*speaking of TV shows, you watch all of your favs in the middle of the night, during feedings off of your DVR

*you can remember the exact moment you fed your child last, changed their diaper, etc. but you dont remember the last time you brushed your teeth!

*your legs are hairier than they have ever been - and neither you nor your husband notice lol

*you can grocery shop, which adding up all the prices to make sure u dont go over budget, and carry your child the entire time

*you spend your extra time just sitting there, totally exhausted, waiting for the next cry.

*you know exactly how much house work u can get done between naps

i could go on for days probably lol but im sure u get the drift...i'll prolly do a phase 2 later. this is good for now. ttyl

My Baby Is MISSING!

2009-02-08T15:07:00.000-08:00

ok, so, this morning at about 6:30 my little angel decided she was hungry. I am usually the one who does all the shifts at night, but last night Marcus was home and, although unwillingly, took the 2AM shift allowing me to sleep until the next feeding. It was the first time in at least 2 weeks I didnt actually see her for about 8 hours. Once I got her bottle ready and picked her up out of her swing to feed, I was sitting there by the glow of the nightlight, and staring at her, when all I could think was, where did my baby go?

Her eyes looked big and brown in the dark, even though they are still dark blue. Her cheeks are filled out now. Her face as a whole is a lot bigger than birth. I just stared down at her, as she stared up at me and couldnt help but feel the tears in my eyes. 6 weeks can change someone so drastically that I could barely see the little lady I brought home.

Maybe all these thoughts came from reading a fellow blogger talk about her beautiful twins who are almost 3 months old and to her have changed so much. Gets you thinking about the little life that I brought into this world. The little lady that, at least for the most part, relies totally on me to feed her, bathe her, dress her, keep her healthy, warm, comfortable, etc. So much need in her tiny little life, and she relies totally on her parents to fill them. Which we do very willingly, other than in the middle of the night.

I'm pretty sure that the most we have fought about is why I didnt wake up to feed her at 2. Why I didnt change her diaper, etc. How horrible? When I woke up at 6:30 to a pissed off husband who couldnt undestand why when he ASKED me IF I wanted to get up at 2 am to feed her, I simply said no. If for some reason he was unable to do it, or just didnt want to, he could have just said, shes crying honey, please feed her. But he didnt tell me, he asked me if i WANTED to...and I said no. Due to the fact that I do it 5 to 7 days a week, and for once wanted to sleep longer than 2 hr stretches. See, yes, she eats ever 4 hrs, but thats four hrs from the beginning of feedings. For instance, if she eats at 4, she will be up at 8 eating again. So, I start feeding her at 4, she eats for 20 to 30 minutes, then is awake for another 20 to 30 minutes. So thats 5AM. then it takes me about 20 mins to fall asleep myself, and im up again at 745 to make the bottle shes fussing for...that makes well i guess 2 1/2 hrs of sleep at a time. Woot.

But something hit me this morning. As I looked into those what seemed to be beautiful brown eyes this morning, looking up at me as to say thanks mommy!, all i could think was how horrible am i?! How horrible is it of me to not want to get up and give this little girl her food. She cant get up and get it herself, she cant ask for it, she cant do anything without me, and yet I get upset because my husband wont get up instead of thinking that if it werent for me, for us, this little life would be no more. She would starve because she can NOT feed herself. How horrible of me to not want to give her what she needs to live and thrive. The nutrients her little body survives on. How horrible of me for wanting to sleep instead of get up and feed her.

Blah, this blog took a strange turn. It was supposed to be about my little miracle, and about all the changes taking place in her life. Too much for me. Too fast. Someone tell me how to make this little girl STAY little...please. I love her so much...I want her to have everything she needs, AND everything she wants. I dont want her to suffer in life. I dont want her to be sick, to be sad, to hurt in any way at all. I just want to stop time right now...while she sleeps on the couch next to me on her pillow. I want her to stay just like that so that I will always have my little baby...my little angel...my little....miracle.

In the beginning...

2009-02-07T17:53:00.000-08:00

Well, first, i am an addict. Not to drugs, alcohol, sex...well maybe sex...but the kind of addict I'm referring to is this. Blogging. Writing. Expressing myself with words. that's me. I'm new to this site, but not new to the act. My previous bloggings went down on myspace. A friend of mine has one here, and after reading, and reading...and reading, i decided this could b a new beginning for me. A new place to just let it all out. So, here I am.

The background - I'm 22 years old. Born and raised in good ole Louisiana. Miss it so! Currently residing in New Mexico due to my husband's job. He is my hero, and probably a lot of other peoples. He is currently serving for the US Air Force. He fixes planes basically. We tried for three very long very hard years, and in December, gave birth to our little miracle baby! Her name is Cadence. She is truly the biggest and best thing I have ever done, and a miracle straight from the hands of God!

Currently - I am a stay at home mom. Cadence is 6 weeks today. Boy does time truly fly! She's growing and changing every day. It's too fast, and too much to take in. I miss my little baby already...and this is only the beginning!

Goals for 2009 - currently our biggest goal is to pay off some serious debt. Thanks to the tax break, we will get a lot of it paid off in the next couple of weeks, and hopefully, Lord willing, get the rest paid off before the end of the year!!! It's crazy to think that after 3 years of trying so hard, we will actually get there. We will see how this year pans out, and hopefully be right here, a year from now, debt free! We want to buy a house Jan 2010. So this other debt must be paid off by then. Let's all hope!

There it is folks...the beginning...the first blog to grace your presence from me - unless you're farmiliar with my myspace blog...in which case, welcome to the new! Enjoy!