ok, so, this morning at about 6:30 my little angel decided she was hungry. I am usually the one who does all the shifts at night, but last night Marcus was home and, although unwillingly, took the 2AM shift allowing me to sleep until the next feeding. It was the first time in at least 2 weeks I didnt actually see her for about 8 hours. Once I got her bottle ready and picked her up out of her swing to feed, I was sitting there by the glow of the nightlight, and staring at her, when all I could think was, where did my baby go?
Her eyes looked big and brown in the dark, even though they are still dark blue. Her cheeks are filled out now. Her face as a whole is a lot bigger than birth. I just stared down at her, as she stared up at me and couldnt help but feel the tears in my eyes. 6 weeks can change someone so drastically that I could barely see the little lady I brought home.
Maybe all these thoughts came from reading a fellow blogger talk about her beautiful twins who are almost 3 months old and to her have changed so much. Gets you thinking about the little life that I brought into this world. The little lady that, at least for the most part, relies totally on me to feed her, bathe her, dress her, keep her healthy, warm, comfortable, etc. So much need in her tiny little life, and she relies totally on her parents to fill them. Which we do very willingly, other than in the middle of the night.
I'm pretty sure that the most we have fought about is why I didnt wake up to feed her at 2. Why I didnt change her diaper, etc. How horrible? When I woke up at 6:30 to a pissed off husband who couldnt undestand why when he ASKED me IF I wanted to get up at 2 am to feed her, I simply said no. If for some reason he was unable to do it, or just didnt want to, he could have just said, shes crying honey, please feed her. But he didnt tell me, he asked me if i WANTED to...and I said no. Due to the fact that I do it 5 to 7 days a week, and for once wanted to sleep longer than 2 hr stretches. See, yes, she eats ever 4 hrs, but thats four hrs from the beginning of feedings. For instance, if she eats at 4, she will be up at 8 eating again. So, I start feeding her at 4, she eats for 20 to 30 minutes, then is awake for another 20 to 30 minutes. So thats 5AM. then it takes me about 20 mins to fall asleep myself, and im up again at 745 to make the bottle shes fussing for...that makes well i guess 2 1/2 hrs of sleep at a time. Woot.
But something hit me this morning. As I looked into those what seemed to be beautiful brown eyes this morning, looking up at me as to say thanks mommy!, all i could think was how horrible am i?! How horrible is it of me to not want to get up and give this little girl her food. She cant get up and get it herself, she cant ask for it, she cant do anything without me, and yet I get upset because my husband wont get up instead of thinking that if it werent for me, for us, this little life would be no more. She would starve because she can NOT feed herself. How horrible of me to not want to give her what she needs to live and thrive. The nutrients her little body survives on. How horrible of me for wanting to sleep instead of get up and feed her.
Blah, this blog took a strange turn. It was supposed to be about my little miracle, and about all the changes taking place in her life. Too much for me. Too fast. Someone tell me how to make this little girl STAY little...please. I love her so much...I want her to have everything she needs, AND everything she wants. I dont want her to suffer in life. I dont want her to be sick, to be sad, to hurt in any way at all. I just want to stop time right now...while she sleeps on the couch next to me on her pillow. I want her to stay just like that so that I will always have my little baby...my little angel...my little....miracle.
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Hey girl it's Lauren.
ReplyDeleteEvery mother has those feelings of where did my baby go, I am just so tired, and needs a little break. It is completely normal. Do not be upset at yourself because you did not want to get up. Abby is two, and I ask myself all the time where did my baby go. I can't even remember her little baby moments. So take this time and take it all in. Cause as you already know they grow so fast. And as for Marcus, yes he works alot, but so do you being a full time mommy. I think we have the toughest jobs around!! Cory works just as hard, but I simple told him it took two to make Abby, it will take two to parent and raise her. Men think it's always up to us to do everything with the kids. UM no, this isn't the 1950s, men have the right too. DO NOT beat yourself up about it. You are a strong woman, and mother. You are allowed to be tired, especially with a 6 week old. You need rest, just as much as Marcus. If you do not get rest, you will not be at your best to take care of your child. Even though it is tiresome right now it is worth it. This time will past by fast. Soon she won't need you as much. Sometimes I want to baby Abby because I want her to need me like when she was little, but I know that she has to grow up. You are doing a wonderful job! This is motherhood, everyday you learn something new, and you learn just how strong you are! Love you!